On the Third Day of The 12 Days of Terrible Christmas Songs: "Funky, Funky Christmas," by New Kids On the Block
[This is an expansion of an entry about bad spoken interludes in songs, which ran last June. I really should have waited for Christmas.]
#1. The New Kids on the Block are not funky. They were five awkward New England teenagers who were more into synchronized dancing and appearing on lunch boxes than dressing up like dreadlocked aliens and taking bass guitars and Moogs to strange, ass-shaking, bong-spilling heights.
#2. Christmas is not funky. Between the presents, toys, anticipation that aches until its released in an orgasm of surprise, baked goods, snow, beloved family traditions, or tearing up at the end of A Charlie Brown Christmas even if you're a godless pagan: Christmas is seriously fucking rad. It's got enough going for it. It doesn't need or want to be funky.
#3. The word "funky" is not funky. Funky is a word now used only by relatives used to describe the dance moves they are about to demonstration at this wedding reception, and by bands to describe their cover of "Celebration" that they are about to play at this wedding reception. I think "funky" has been ruined and tainted the way my grandma thought "those people" had ruined and tainted the word "queer."
Ergo, nothing about this song is funky - not the Boston-accented Christmas rapping words, not the tinny, repetitive riff delivered endlessly by a Casio Rapman keyboard, not even the spoken intro in which one of the New Kids (Jon?) pretends to be Santa and discusses his plans for "another great Christmas." It's still not funky when an elf (Donnie? Possibly Gary?) says that such a plan would be "boring," and that he would rather have a "funky Christmas."
Christmas, New Kids on the Block Posted on Wednesday, December 8, 2010 at 6:00AM
Reader Comments (2)
Ah yes. The release of this song was a dark, dark day in the history of me. Or bright. Whatevs. It's the day I started slowly peeling off all the pictures of Jordan that covered my cornflower blue bedroom walls. *sighs wistfully*
Oh. My. Heavens! I can't believe I used to want to marry Jordan Knight. Sick.
And I can't believe they made a Christmas album. I think I blocked it out of my memory. So not funky.